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Ho Ho How to Set Boundaries During the Holiday Season

 This blog has been prepared for you by registered psychologist and psychosexual therapist, Carla Jones. 

2024 has been another big year! As psychologists, it’s at this time of year that we not only see a lot of exhaustion and stress, but also a genuine desire to connect – with friends, family, loved ones and/or the community. But balancing the need for rest and the desire to nurture our relationships is no easy feat, particularly if you experience some strains in your relationships. To help you out, we thought we’d list our top tips and encouragements to set and maintain your boundaries over the festive season.

Before we kick off, let’s have a quick refresh on what boundaries actually are. Boundaries are about:

  • Communicating what you will and will not do. 
  • Honouring what you need to be the best version of you
  • Preventative actions to remain balanced
  • Clarifying how you will respond in certain situations. 

Boundaries are not:

  • Giving others an ultimatum
  • Rigid rules or band-aids to avoid dealing with your own insecurities
  • Stonewalling without a warning or an explanation 
  • Requesting that someone change their behaviour

Remember, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is not about being rigid or shutting people out—it’s about creating space to honour your needs, values, and limits while navigating the demands of the season. 

Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if it’s not something you’re used to doing. Here is my list of things that you can consider to deck the halls with boughs of boundaries! 

1. Start with identifying your needs

We have to remember why we are doing this in the first place! At the overwhelming end of the year, it can be tricky to identify what it is that we actually need. Folks who see me for therapy are often very familiar with the “Needs Wheel”, a tool that gives us words that can help us identify and express what it is we need (give it a Google!). 

So before we get too excited about boundaries, you need to take a moment to reflect. You can try asking yourself:

  • What do I value most during the holidays (e.g. quality time, rest, financial stability)?
  • What activities or expectations feel energising, and which feel draining? How can I balance these?
  • What might I have needed over the past holiday period/s that I didn’t afford myself? What can I do differently this time?

Not only is it helpful for you to be clear on your needs, but it means that you can communicate them to others if this feels safe and productive. 

2. Practice saying “no thanks!” with compassion

Saying no is a skill, and it doesn’t have to come across as harsh or unkind. Try framing your boundary positively:

  • “Thank you for inviting me, but I need to prioritise some downtime this weekend.”
  • “I love spending time with you, but I can only stay for a couple of hours.”
  • “Would it be okay if we scheduled some time to catch up in the new year?”

Using “I” statements keeps the focus on your needs rather than blaming others, reducing the likelihood of conflict. 

3. Set financial limits

Overspending is a common holiday stressor. Research highlights the mental health benefits of sticking to a budget, so don’t be afraid to communicate financial boundaries:

  • “I’d love to exchange thoughtful cards instead of gifts this year.”
  • “I can join the group dinner, but I’ll need to stick to my budget for the meal.”

There are also plenty of ways to have fun without breaking the bank! From organising a Secret/Cheeky Santa instead of buying multiple gifts, to making your presents for others instead of buying them, to planning a potluck Christmas movie marathon at someone’s place instead of going out for dinner, it’s okay to prioritise your budget at the same time as having some fun! 

Transparency about your financial limits, or even just suggesting some more financially savvy ways of socialising can support others to normalise managing their finances during this tricky time too! 

4. Plan for tricky or undesirable conversations

Holiday gatherings can sometimes bring up tense interpersonal dynamics or unsolicited advice. Set boundaries in advance for topics that you know may lead to conflict or leave you/others feeling deflated or excluded:

  • “I’d rather not talk about my job today—let’s focus on catching up about the fun stuff!”
  • “I know you’re curious about my dating life, but I’d prefer to keep that private.”
  • “It seems like we have different views on the outcome of that election, which is fine. However, I think I’d like to leave the conversation here for today!” 
  • A firm boundary here would look like: “I’ve asked that we don’t talk about my sex life because it makes me feel uncomfortable. If you’d like to keep talking about these things, I’m going to end the conversation and chat to someone else for a while”. 

If someone ignores this, calmly restate and redirect the conversation, or follow through. Whilst it can feel hard to be assertive, remember that it gives everyone clarity. A true gift! 

5. Honour your energy levels

It’s not uncommon to have run out of spoons by the end of the year. So it’s important to protect your time and energy by scheduling breaks between activities or limiting how long you stay at gatherings where you can:

  • “I’m so excited to join for dinner, but I’ll need to leave by 8 PM to get a good rest.”
  • “This week is packed, so I won’t be able to host this year.”

When you listen to your body’s signals, you’re more likely to avoid burnout and actually enjoy the moments you do engage in.

If you need some downtime, why don’t you try engaging your senses with something that feels nice for you? This could be mindfully eating something delicious, going for a walk in nature, giving a pet a big cuddle, dancing in the rain, singing, painting, baking something that smells yummy – you get the idea! 

6. Boundaries are not just for people!

This time of year can come with a lot of pressure and expectations to act a certain way and engage with certain activities. Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to go about the festive season. Some things that you might see a lot of that you DON’T need to engage with if you don’t want to include:

  • Posting on social media
  • New Year’s Resolutions
  • Going to and staying at every single party
  • Making big announcements
  • Engaging with the 24hr news cycle
  • Going on a big holiday
  • Staying up until midnight on New Years Eve
  • Drinking alcohol
  • Watching sports you don’t want to watch
  • Cooking a huge meal
  • Wearing matching pyjamas
  • Checking in on work on your days off or picking up extra shifts
  • Decorating 
  • Shopping at Boxing Day Sales

Likewise, if any of ^^these things are your jam, then go for it! Make sure you do whatever feels right for you, and acknowledge that others are trying to do the same. 

Of course, if you need any additional help with anything mentioned in this blog, or you need some additional support around this time of year, please reach out to our team. We find that people often like to book in at this time of year to prepare themselves for the holiday season, and then again early in the new year to process it all and get prepared for the road ahead. We love to help as much as we can, so make sure you secure your spot!