Consensual Kink: The important difference between BDSM and Abuse

 This blog has been prepared for you by clinical psychologist and psychosexual therapist, Mel Wyllie. 

“He hits me around during sex. It hurts sometimes and I don’t really enjoy the pain, but I’m a Sub so it’s part of the kink and I do what I’m told”

“They will humiliate me in front of others. Sometimes it does turn me on but I hate it when they make me wear a collar when we visit my parents. It’s not sexy, it just feels degrading then”

“His ex used to like being choked during sex. I hate it and I’ve told him but he said he can’t cum unless he’s choking me so I just let him do it”

Does being kinky mean you’re automatically agreeing to being slapped, choked, or called names you don’t like? If you start exploring BDSM, do you have to go along with everything your Dom(me) partner tells you?

(Side note: there is no such thing as ‘vanilla sex’! This is subjective and used as a comparator for the purpose of this blog.)

There is a huge difference between kink and abuse. Being kinky doesn’t mean you have to do anything you don’t want to do, quite the opposite. You are still in control of your own body. Exploring kink and BDSM doesn’t mean foregoing consent – in fact, consent is crucial in any and all sexual activity, but it is even more important in BDSM where boundaries are comfort are played with.

What is kink and BDSM?

For many people, kink involves handcuffs, whips, and one person ordering their partner around. And whilst kink is so much more than this, consensual power exchange and rough sex are often a part of many people’s kink experiences. However, you can be super kinky and never be involved with power or rough play. Kink can be soft, sweet, and innocent. Kink is different for everyone and can be whatever you want it to be.

Kink is best thought of as an umbrella term to describe a wide range of sexual activities that are considered to be unconventional or unorthodox. What counts as kinky depends a lot on what your community defines as ‘normal’.

Importantly, being kinky does not obligate you to have sex or explore your desires in any particular way. YOU are in control (even if you are submissive!).

Under the kink umbrella is BDSM (which stands for bondage, discipline, submission, sadomasochism). BDSM is a broad term used to describe activities involving submission and control. BDSM activities range from spanking and rope play to piercing and nipple clamps, but all typically involve one or more partners taking on a more dominant role during sex (Dom/Domme, Top), while others are more submissive (Sub, Bottom).

Most BDSM activities are limited to discrete play sessions (or scenes) between partners, but some people engage in ‘full time’ or ‘24/7’ relationships involving dominance and submission.

What is consensual kink/BDSM?

‘Consensual kink’ is just like any other consensual sex: It’s a sexual experience that everyone is on board with, happy about, and enjoying the entire time. However, because kink and BDSM can often involve power exchange, role play, and even exploring painful or difficult or uncomfortable sensations, a consensual kink experience can look very different to how we picture consensual ‘vanilla’ sex.

Mainstream depictions of kink often make it look like the person guiding the scenario (the Dom or Top) is always in charge, with the bottom or sub waiving their right to say no, reject orders, or withdraw consent. But this not at all how consensual kink works.

In order for BDSM to be safe, the more vulnerable person needs to be the one who sets boundaries and calls the shots. If someone is going to be submissive or on the receiving end of pain or sensation play, they get to say what is or isn’t acceptable, and determine what counts as going too far.

To reiterate: It is the SUB who determines the rules! But they must still be mutually agreed upon.

Consensual kink involves having extensive conversations about boundaries well before any play starts to take place.  This will cover before, during, and after play. Whatever your pre-determined rules are, they must be mutually agreed upon before any play begins to ensure everyone’s boundaries are respected and everyone is safe.

Some agreed rules might include:

·       yes/no/maybe checklist, where partners let each other know what kinds of activities they are and aren’t into, or it might include explicit instructions about what kinds of sensations or dirty talk are acceptable (eg. “I like having my nipples touched but not pinched”, or “you can call me Sir, but I don’t like being called Daddy”).

·       Outline how everyone expects the encounter to unfold before beginning any play, especially for elaborate scenes.

·       A pre-established “safe word” is always a good idea, especially in scenes where ‘no’ or ‘stop’ might be part of the play. This safe word gives a Sub a direct way to let their partner know they need to slow down or stop. This safe word must be mutually agreed upon and something that wouldn’t normally be said in this environment. “Pineapple” seems to be one that comes up in a lot of media these days, and unless your play involves food or a tropical paradise, it’s unlikely to come up so is a sensible choice.

·       A ‘traffic light’ system: Red means stop, yellow means slow down, green means everything is going fine.

·       A non-verbal safe signal is important if the play scene makes verbal signs hard (for example, if the Sub is gagged). For example, tapping shoulders, or waving hands.

Aftercare is a very important but sometimes overlooked part or any good sexual experience. This is even more important in kink to ensure everyone felt respected throughout, and to help ground people after what is often a very immersive experience. Aftercare is basically the caretaking that is done by all parties involved after a sexual experience in order to check in emotionally and physically. The goal is to take care of everyone so that you all come down from the experience happy, connected, and safe.

In BDSM, aftercare is especially vital to avoid the ‘dom/sub drop’: the uncomfortable physical, mental, and emotional sensations that sometimes come up in the hours and days after an intense scene. Dom/sub drop may be linked to postcoital dysphoria, which is when someone feels sadness or anxiety after otherwise good and consensual sex. Often this reaction is linked to other stressors in the outside world, such as history of trauma, or existing psychological distress. Which is why it is not only essential to engage in aftercare, but also to consider what headspace you’re in before you approach a scene.

Aftercare looks different for everyone, but it can include kissing, massage, discussing things that went well or otherwise, pillow talk, cuddling or hugging, having a shower together, having a snack or rehydrating together, sleeping together, going on a date, watching a movie together, or doing something relevant to their love language. Talking with your partner(s) about your ideal aftercare situation is important, and doing this ahead of time to ensure everyone feels safe. Communication is key, and will ensure everyone knows what people need to feel safe before, during, and after a play session.

When does BDSM turn into abuse?

There are two elements in BDSM practices and relationships and sexual encounters: Consent and rules. These include tools and strategies to ensure the safety of participants, such as those listed above. BDSM practitioners consider consent to be absolutely fundamental.

Without consent and clear agreement on the rules, it is abuse.

As described above, consent is such an important part of BDSM culture that discussions before sexual play often involve every detail of the planned session, including exact activities that will be undertaken. BDSM participants use lots of communication to ensure their partner(s) is still consenting throughout the session. Any transgression of this approach is taken extremely seriously and is a violation of consent. Spontaneity is not valued in the BDSM culture, consent is.

In BDSM, consent is not a passive acceptance of a Dom’s suggestion or action. It is very common for Doms to only perform acts with Sub partners when that person asks for it. Doms who push Subs or start play without explicit agreement are considered to be potentially abusive within the BDSM community.

Kink allows for somebody to end it. It always gives someone the opportunity to say no, and the other person(s) will always respect it. If you use your safe word and your partner continues the scene, that is abusive. If your partner does not allow you to set boundaries, or ignores your requests in pursuit of their own desires, that is also abuse.

If you do not have control over your own body, that is abuse.

Consent in response to intimidating or coercive conduct or other threats is not real consent. This applies in BDSM too.

Sexual consent can be withdrawn at any time. If you withdraw consent and are ignored, this is abuse.

Kink should always be consensual, and everyone participating in a kink experience should always feel respected, supported, and that their boundaries are inviolable. Without that respect and consent, it is not kink, it is abuse.

If this article has raised issues for you, or if you’re concerned about someone you know, you can contact 1800 RESPECT through their free national counselling hotline or you can also call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or the Red Cross Support for Trafficked People Program on (03) 9345 1899.

Please also contact us at Haven Psychology Centre on 1300 4 HAVEN for support or connections to local community services in your state, or to discuss further with one of our psychologists or psychosexual therapists.